And The Winner Is...

I have a disclosure. I'm 41. Should that depress me? 

Today, all arrows point to the vast array of changes happening in me--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Let's not forget decrease in intellectual capacity too.

I have fine lines on my face which if I pull both sides of my lower cheeks upwards, I look 20 years younger. Only surgical corrective procedure can keep the gravity at bay but I don't have the massive amount of courage to go through it. Let alone financing! 

Grey hair and hair loss go side by side too. I treat the former with hair colorants. In fact, I don't even remember my natural hair color anymore because of constant color treatment. I wish I could say I'm suffering from malnutrition to defend my hair color but I'm obviously well-fed. Over-fed actually! The latter I can't do much--except pray that it doesn't fall more than it did yesterday. While my hypertensive medication has its side effects, I can't blame it solely for those changes.  It's simply nature at active work there. 

As we pass through life, we inevitably face personal and professional crises. Some are born with self-confidence and "life strategies" that make their battle either brief or dragging. I was not born with much. When I was younger, I was a dim-wit and very insecure. Problems that seemed easy to solve, which were generally self-imposed, proved to be exigent because of my inane abilities. Life was very stressful for me. Fast forward to being a middle-aged woman, life seems better. I have more focus and control now though my physical limitations are discernible. Call me wiser. 

Spiritually, it has been a roller-coaster ride. When I was younger, I was the god. I was stronger, sharper, and had so much potential. But then again, more stupid. As I grew older, the vacuum inside me grew bigger and deeper. I searched the wrong places to fill it in. Had friendships with the wrong people to complete the void. The "I" god bitterly failed me. All those time I couldn't hear Jesus calling because my emotions were so high-strung. I finally heeded His call in 2003 when a professor at La Salle invited me to a Sunday service at CCF, St Francis. My life was never the same! It's good to be born again. Call me redeemed. 

Should middle-age be depressing? I think it's a mistake to even think of it. Plain and simple. Life can be good depending on how you look at it. You may have wrinkles, grey hair, increased body fat and can't run as fast, but you can choose to be happy with all those extras. Thank goodness it will take another 10 years before they call me an alpha-boomer--hopefully with at least some decent "wealth" to carry me through old age. Those age ranges, they don't matter really. Age is just a number. 

The 4th Page

My daughter is joining a memory competition this morning at school. This is the second competition she has joined in a week. The first one was clay crafts. It's more like a rebound of some sort when she missed school last week of January due to flu.

Memory competition as she explained to me is the ability to write more words as much as possible, time-pressured, in their correct spelling. Numerics included except the numbers per se. She had a dry run yesterday. Given 4 pages, she's able to fill 3. That's "good enough but can be better" according to her coach. As if this remark resonates in her young mind, it was obvious she wanted to memorize more words. She tried to beef up her memory by remembering mnemonics she learned from class--rhymes, action words, stories, addition, subtraction, etc--all in the hope of "filling" the 4th page. I had to remind her not to overdo it.

This morning as we were walking towards her bus stop, she confessed feeling not confident she could fill the 4th page. I could sense that she's overwhelmed with pressure. She told me she might not win this time. I paused for a while searching for the right words to say. I remember Vince in Grease saying, "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's what you do with your dancin' shoes." I can't tell her that! What about, "it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game." Neither! She will question both those flimsy answers. Finally, I assured her it doesn't matter if she wins or not, it's how she enjoyed sitting with other kids out of the classroom without the prying eyes of her teacher! Almost instantly, she smiled.  

"The most important motive for work in the school and in life is the pleasure in work..." Albert Einstein said that. My daughter comes home from school and tells me she's nominated to compete in a particular contest. That's great! But never will I insist that she enlist in some competition knowing that she will not have fun.

Movie Watching Club

Halwa, burfi...to begin with! Anitha and I were snacking on these tasty confections in the afternoon while scanning a myriad of channels for movies. We caught a glimpse of Julia Roberts wearing a green saree and thought it's a good movie to kill time. Eat, pray and love. The gargantuan running time proved to be a dismay.

Then came the scene where Javier Bardem was driving a jeep in Bali! Dios mio! Why is this Hispanic guy so good-looking to the point of being delectable?! And wait till you hear his deep gruff voice. Oh si! We totally forgot about Julia towards the end of the movie and got hooked with Javier. Allow me a little Spanish por pabor. Te quiero, Javier, mi amor! Se que estas casado. Hi Penelope!

So back to reality.

I remember him as Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. His character here is so evil that there's no way of comprehending his psyche except that he's hired by his "efficient way" to recover money. In my opinion, this sets the bar so high for credit card collectors. His portrayal is so amazing that won him an Oscar in 2007.

Anyway, we finished EPL gasping and happy without noticing the empty bowls of sweets. Moral of the story: Don't watch a Javier movie side by side confectionery to avoid that extra avoirdupois.

Sleepless in Manama

The conundrum of insomnia has made me guessing since my early 30's. You can do the maths on how many years I've been trying to cope with this sleeping disorder. The problem with insomnia is when you're asleep, you're not really sleeping. And when you're up, you're not really awake.

As much as I would surreptitiously pretend to be not insomniac, it's obvious in the dark circles around my eyes; the lightheadedness; the sluggish feeling almost physically fatigued. Altogether, these make my mind vacuous. Ultimately, cross the whole day--just totally "out of order".

What makes matters worse is when some people would say, "Go get some sleep". If that hadn't been my problem in the first place I wouldn't have been sufferring from sleep loss the past decade! So crassly put by the parochial some!

If science has paved way for shampoos to have special formulation for hair loss, why not for sleep loss? I wonder if science really take insomnia seriously because many of us suffer from this disorder and has never been addressed conclusively.

Tips That Worked and Didn't:

1. Drinking milk before going to bed. It helps me relax and dose off for the next hour only to be awakened by a full gall bladder a couple of hours later. This will never work.
2. Listening to Soft Music. Yanni's neoclassical flavor soothes the mind and drowns the heart. Really helpful in relaxation and helps me think of boring, mushy stuff.
3. Getting a back massage. A gentle back massage especially on the shoulders help ease muscle tension.
4. Sleeping on a firmer bed. This is good for the spine. Eases my back pain. Thus, help me relax.
5. Drinking Iced Tea at night. Not sure how much content of caffeine Nestea iced tea has but it kept me up all night during Ramadan. Never again will I drink one can before going to bed.
6. Walking after dinner. A short walk proves to be helpful.
7. If all else fails, consult a doctor.

I was told I'm a healthy insomniac. Meaning my sleeplessness is directly related to my lifestyle which can bring about stress and anxiety. (Anxiety...probably. Bahrain has been economically unstable since the unrest in February. The fear of losing a job is enough to make one really worry.) I was prescribed over the counter drugs and lifestyle modification which I tried to comply with. Funny how it's categorized as "healthy" when the effects of the same malady are ill and comparatively not effective. Does that make me a chronic insomniac? I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry at this. Whatever it is, it's a grave state to be sufferring from sleep loss. And I'm not the only one.

Trying to Write When I Don't Want To

It's been 2 weeks since I last published my 25th post. Was busy with a copywriting job. That too, a few days after the presentation was approved, I was afflicted with diarrhea of the pen. Not the montezuma's revenge but the dilemma of a writer whose material tends to have a beginning, a middle,  and if the reader is lucky, an end. Ultimately on the 3rd week, I felt exhausted. My mind went blocked. Thanks to a far remote friend, Malou Eden, who gave me the inspiration to write about something. I cannot promise though that this entry will be of good substance versus the previous ones.

I have always loved to write for as long as I can remember--about interesting people, life experiences, and life lessons. I normally carry around a pen and a small notebook to write down inspirations anywhere I'd be at a certain time (Yes, I'm old-fashioned!). I find it trivial using my mobile's notepad. Makes me dizzy.

Reading all kinds of books evoked my interest to pen my thoughts.  It was accidentally polished when I wrote more love letters and poems in sophomore high more than I did my homework. Reading and writing are two sides of the same coin.  The more I read, the more I want to write. Proving Bill Robinson's study that "an advance in one skill reinforces the other." Hence, English as my major in college. 

As I grew maturely, I had the privilege to work while functioning as a Corporate Trainer from the late '90's to 2004  on what I consider to be important jobs like ghostwriting,  advertorials, copywriting, and writing training manuscripts.

Notice I skipped the year I joined EasyCall (ECPI) in 1993 to 1997. I allowed an insolent immediate superior to treat me with contempt on a regular basis. I put up with her manic-depressive behaviour which was ever so highly evident when she and her boyfriend would have a bad fight the night before. Helpless and depressed, I started believing all the negative stuff she told about me. My faith in myself just flew out of the window--including that special skill.

I breathed for the first time when I was offered a job as a Corporate Trainer for Recall 138 mid of 1997. While I was directly reporting to the HR Manager, I also worked side by side the president for ghostwriting projects. My output spoke of my work and commanded respect from both my colleagues and the management. What a huge difference it makes when somebody believes in you. I was reborn!

I have forgiven that audacious manager from ECPI but I must admit that for a while I kicked myself everytime I remember how and why I put up with her. In retrospect, I thank God for allowing that to happen to me because in God's appointed time, I became a manager to my own training staff. I used the same negative experience to teach me to be more compassionate, encouraging, and a team-player.

Fast forward to where I am now, I'm glad to be writing again. I had to put off writing for a little while because circumstances called for it. Circumtances too brought me back to the writing circle.  Hence, the title of this blog "Immaculate Emancipation." Why such title? Long story.

Apologies for a seemingly an insipid post as this one.

Half-Glass Empty or Half-Glass Full?: Devil-May-Care

According to Wikipedia, Pessimism is a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively.

I have met quite a few of them and I must be honest that I regret almost immediately to have come accross their paths. 

I'll talk about one character at a time.

An old acquaintance I reconnected thru facebook perpetually talks about her financial woes. The moment I asked how she is, she would, as if scripted, respond, "still drowning in debt." No matter how much I try to shift the subject, she gyrates yet skillfully on bringing up the same old pathetic issue. What glory she finds in whining and complaining about how luck seems to have turned away and yet not do anything! Boy, I feel sick after each encounter with her. For my own sake, I have to make a quick decision to end the chat before she drains out the infinitesimal energy left in me.

I sympathize with her but I'm not sorry for her. The state where she's in right now is the choice she made. Since she solicited my advice on almost every occassion, I told her to consider the following:

1. tell her spouse to get a temp job in any establishment for extra income;
2. search for offshore teaching jobs where remuneration is far better than local--online, through POEA or any legal recruitment office;
3. avoid borrowing loans and use of credit cards;
4. live within their means;
5. and, finally, be thankful for everything because she has everything at her disposal--stable career, a loving son, and good friends around her.

It makes me sad when I see pictures of her partying. It's good to be in social events once in a while because this somehow takes off the worry, but to see a post of her "high time" and the next telling me she's broke, is ridiculously insane. I find that unacceptable. No wonder she's still in the pit. 

Steve Pavlina says, "Negative people are energy vampires.  They have an almost endless capacity to dwell on what they don’t want, whining and complaining about their lives while denying responsibility for their result. Their fear blocks the natural flow of energy from within, so they must get it from other people instead.  After spending a few hours with them, you’ll usually feel drained, tired, worried, or stressed.

It makes no difference what particular circumstances negative people blame for their negative outlook.  Ultimately it’s still a choice rooted in free will.  No matter how unconscious the person was when making the decision to sink into negativity, in this moment that person still has the power to choose otherwise.  So if you decide to help such a person, your primary role is to help guide him to make a more conscious choice, one that will likely be much more empowering."

In my case, I guess I tried to help. But her attitude seems as obstinate as her stagnation. And I can't give what I already don't have--patience.

She remains in my prayers. At least in that avenue, I don't need to deal with her in person as God is far better handling her case than I. 

Roller Coaster Ride

I have watched Nanay falling in and out of  sickness since she reached her 50+ years of age. It seems so macabre to suggest that her body translated infirmity as she aged. The once strong woman who took care of 7 kids has been frail for the last 15 years.

I spoke to her yesterday concerning her health since I learned that her blood pressure shot up to 180/90 and pulse rate of only 47 on Wednesday. Lynn rushed her to the hospital complaining of lightheadedness and physical weakness. She underwent a series of lab tests including 2D-echocardiography, carotid/vertebral duplex and other tests to diagnose autoimmune illnesses. She was sent home that day too showing signs of improvement, but with a new set of prescription drugs.

Emergency care was inevitable late evening of Thursday when her blood pressure registered to its most dangerous level of 220/100 with pulse rate of 37. She had to be monitored 4 hours straight until her condition stabilized. It took 2 doses of catapres 6 hours later to bring her blood pressure down. She was released from the satellite clinic a few hours later.

We reckon that stress and exhaustion from taking care of my father from his episode of stroke last February can be imminent, but not to this extent. Sleeping would have been palliative for her but she's also deprived of it.

While she's out of danger now, I think in my carnal mind, based on her medical history that it would just be a matter of time when sickness would attack again. I'm so sick of it!

When sickness invades the life of your loved one, it completely  drains you--emotionally, financially, mentally, physically. It feeds on sadness; robs you of your joy ultimately stressing you out while it slowly depletes your savings. 

The frailty of the human body can cause one to think of a god who can heal and save. I'm no exception. I can cause a tide of prayer requests to Christian friends and ministries until I'm emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Sometimes I find myself spiritually paralyzed especially when the one sick is someone I dearly love. It's difficult to pray when someone is sick, but I know in my very soul that it's the enemy's way to keep my prayer unanswered so I have to keep on pushing.  

I see sickness as a gun pointed at a person's head leaving him or her almost instantly petitioning God to manifest His power right at that very moment. My friend Blenda is right when she said that "God is not moved when we have a need, He is moved by our faith."

Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

I'm believing God will release her from the bondage of sickness so she can live life as she should--healthy, happy and pain free.  

Special thanks to my friends and prayer warriors Blenda and Mavic from Manila and Thess R from Australia who helped me pray for my mother. 

All is well now. Thank you, Lord Jesus.